


A Pretty Face

by SassyEggs



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, I mean a LOT of texting, Modern Cyrano, Rom-com, Sansan on Tinder, Since I don't know anything about Tinder and had to make up the details, Well... it's Tinder-ish?, birthday fic, but you get the idea, lots of texting, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-08-29 17:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8498512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyEggs/pseuds/SassyEggs
Summary: Sandor and Sansa meet and get to know each other from a distance, but he hasn't told her everything.  A modern take on Cyrano.  Sort of.  Happy Birthday SnowWhiteKnight!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SnowWhiteKnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowWhiteKnight/gifts).



> OMG, too many WIPs! I know! But it's SWK's birthday and I had to do something. And besides I have a plan! I'll do this chapter, then finish Common Ground, then do another one here, then finish Toad, then finish this one, then RHI, then I'll probably be 167 years old and dead, so....
> 
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Sassy's standard disclaimer: it's a rom-com so just go with it, okay?

* * *

 

“Think you can find me something?”

“Don’t I always?”

He picked up his phone and launched the app in question, confident that soon he’d have a date lined up for the boy. Joffrey never did this himself, not that Sandor minded- it was hands down the easiest part of his job and had been for months now. 

> <Succubus69> You’re very easy to talk to.  Do you think maybe we could meet up?  
>  **< KingJoff > And what exactly would be the purpose of that?**  
>  <Succubus69>  How about I’ll give you whatever you want if you give me whatever I want  
>  **< KingJoff > What do you want?**  
>  <Succubus69>  Dinner. Something nice, and anything I want off the menu  
>  **< KingJoff > And what does that get me?  
>  **<Succubus69> Like I said- whatever you want

“Her name is Shae, long dark hair, wearing a red dress. She’ll meet you in front of Tazza at 8 for dinner.”

“Dinner?” Joffrey wrinkled his nose. “I gotta take this chick to _dinner_ first?”

“I think it’ll be worth it. Come on, man, have I ever steered you wrong?”

“No,” the boy admitted, still whiney. “Alright, I’ll see what happens.”

He could still remember when Joffrey first downloaded the Tinder app, out-of-his-mind excited about the prospect of such an easy hook-up, apparently believing he could order a woman in the same way he ordered a pizza. Which, come to think of it, he never did _that_ himself either.  

It had not gone according to his imagination, though, because within an hour he’d flung his phone at the couch in frustration.

“She asked me what my favorite color was. My favorite color.  What the fuck, man?  Come suck my dick, bitch, don’t make me jump through hoops.”

 _Such_ an infant, and not a very smart one, either.  Sandor had taken over the account, username and profile and all, setting up dates on his employer’s behalf and never having any problems whatsoever.

A spoiled son of Mayor Robert Baratheon and fashion empire maven Cersei Lannister, his mother had insisted on a guard at all times, absolutely convinced that someone was out to get her precious baby. And she was right, sort of; it was just that usually the rescuing Joffrey required was caused by his own stupid mouth.  The kid was a loose cannon, a walking liability, and it was Sandor’s job to keep him in line.  Which, unfortunately, included keeping the boy satisfied in the only way he knew how. 

“Got something for me?”

“I will in a minute.”

Even though he was well into his twenties Sandor still thought of Joffrey as a boy, maybe because he was so spectacularly bad at... just about everything. He couldn’t even figure out something as simple as a hookup app.  It was _Tinder,_ for crying out loud- they were all after the same thing, in theory, he just had to take a few minutes to ease into it.  It really was a simple strategy, one he understood completely even if he didn’t fully understand women.  You had to move slow, take it easy, let them know you liked them for more than sex even if it was really all you were after. Act normal, not like a horny teenager; skipping straight to the chase didn’t _ever_ work.

> < GatehouseAmi > Hi there!  
>  **< KingJoff > Hi yourself**  
>  < GatehouseAmi >  Look I’m gonna get right to the point.  My boyfriend's out of town and I really need to get laid.  You in?  
>  **< KingJoff > Is that picture accurate?**  
>  < GatehouseAmi >  Of course  
>  **< KingJoff > Then I’m in**

Alright so it didn’t _usually_ work. 

“Her name is Ami, she wants you to come over. Here’s her address.”

“That... that’s it? I just get to go over, no talking?”

“Yep.”

“Man, you’re good.”

He _was_ good, _surprisingly_ good at making a date with just about every girl he tried, and always in less than an hour.  He would navigate his way through introductions, ask a few questions, toss out a few compliments, and eventually bring them around to a meetup; it was easy, and he never wasted more time than absolutely necessary with anyone.

Well... anyone but _her._

> <Lady218> You’re the first person I’ve met on here who didn’t immediately make inappropriate advances.  It’s crazy how they all do that.  
>  **< KingJoff > You must be new to Tinder, then**  
>  <Lady218> Is it so obvious?  
>  **< KingJoff > Yep**  
>  <Lady218> Hahaha.  Yes, I’m new.  My friend told me to try it out since (TMI) I just got out of a pretty bad relationship.  
>  **< KingJoff > Are you ok, then?**  
>  <Lady218> Oh, yeah.  So much yeah.  I’m way better off without him.  
>  <Lady218>  Thanks for asking, that’s so sweet  :-)  
>  <Lady218>  What about you?  
>  **< KingJoff > What about me?**  
>  <Lady218> Any serious relationships?  
>  **< KingJoff > No**  
>  <Lady218> None?  
>  **< KingJoff > Not a one**  
>  <Lady218> What’s wrong with you?  
>  <Lady218>  Just kidding  
>  <Lady218>  OMG, I’m just kidding, please don’t be mad!  
>  **< KingJoff > Not mad. **  
>  <Lady218> Whew! 

He couldn’t say what it was about her that was different, what made him talk to her instead of play with her. At first glance she seemed exactly like every other person using this app, but somehow they’d gone quickly into actual conversation and the more they talked- the more she listened- the more he wanted to tell her, and that was not like him at _all._

> <Lady218> So what do you do for a living?  
>  **< KingJoff > Says right there on my profile.  
>  **<Lady218> Oh yeah, it does.  Pretty cool.  Have you always done that?

“Yes,” Sandor grumbled to himself. Joff had gone from high school to college to ‘work’ at his mother’s design firm as VP of Miscellaneous Communications, a made up job if ever he heard one.  Except it sure looked good on paper.  And hell, a girl like this would probably love to hang on Joff’s arm at a celebrity fashion show.  So what did it matter if he’d never done anything else?  He should just say that, right?  That yes, he’d always done that.  It was the easy answer, the most obvious, to just say yes. 

> **< KingJoff > No.**  
>  **< KingJoff >  I used to do something like security.**  
>  <Lady218> Oh yeah?  
>  <Lady218>  That sounds really cool.  Did you like it?  
>  **< KingJoff > Better than what I do now**  
>  <Lady218> Yeah, I don’t blame you.  Your job sounds a little boring    
>  <Lady218>  No offense  
>  **< KingJoff > None taken**

She was... a lot more receptive to the job- to _his_ job- than he would have thought.  And after that he never tried to answer in the way he thought Joff might, just relaxed and said whatever he wanted, whatever came to mind with this girl. 

> <Lady218> It’s nice that you use proper punctuation and grammar, the dumbing-down of our language is sort of a huge turnoff.  
>  <Lady218>  Or does that make me pedantic?  
>  **< KingJoff > I don’t know what that is, so... no.  
>  **<Lady218> Lol.  Fair enough. 

It was funny she noticed that. He actually didn’t usually bother with punctuation and grammar, but somehow he’d known right off the bat that with this girl he would need to be on his best behavior.  So he’d trotted out the manners and the grammar and a charming side he’d never known he had, all of which came surprisingly easy to him as long as he was talking to _her_. 

> **< KingJoff > What does your username mean?**  
>  <Lady218> 218 is my birthday.  21st of August.  
>  **< KingJoff > And Lady... cause you’re a proper little lady?**  
>  <Lady218> No, lol  
>  <Lady218>  I mean yes, I am definitely a proper lady  
>  <Lady218>  Also, Lady is my dog  
>  **< KingJoff > You have a dog?**  
>  <Lady218> I do.  She’s a husky and she’s perfect so you’d better be nice  
>  **< KingJoff > No problem, I like dogs. Much better than cats **  
>  <Lady218> So much better, glad we agree  
>  <Lady218>  I guess that’s why we get along so well ;-)  
>  <Lady218>  What does YOUR username mean?

KingJoff. A stupid fucking name.  ‘Cause I’m in charge, get it?’ the boy had told him when this whole thing first started.  ‘Gotta show these cunts who they’re dealing with.’  He’d been so damn proud of himself, smug little prick, and now Sandor was stuck explaining it.  It wasn’t _usually_ a problem, not with the hook-ups he _usually_ exchanged messages with, but with Lady218...

> **< KingJoff > Someone picked it for me, just goofing off**  
>  **< KingJoff >  And I needed something that was easy to remember so I went with it**  
>  ** < KingJoff>  It’s dumb, I know**  
>  <Lady218> As long as you know  
>  <Lady218>  Kidding!  
>  <Lady218>  A little  
>  <Lady218>  So is Joff your real name?  
>  **< KingJoff > Joffrey**  
>  <Lady218> I’m Sansa  
>  **< KingJoff > Lady Sansa **  
>  <Lady218> Don’t you forget it

They’d been chatting every night for a week now and he could tell she was interested but never could bring himself to seal the deal. How could he?  How could he hammer out the terms of an interlude in the way Joffrey expected then hand her over to the boy, let _him_ reap this bounty when he hadn’t done any of the work?  As long as she stayed at a distance he could pretend she was really interested in him.  He could pretend she was his. 

> **< KingJoff > You changed your profile picture**  
>  <Lady218> I did.  I was getting too many creeps  
>  **< KingJoff > What is it?**  
>  <Lady218> It’s from Halloween.  I was an alien.  
>  **< KingJoff > You dress up for Halloween?**  
>  <Lady218> You don’t?  
>  **< KingJoff > Not since I was a kid**  
>  <Lady218> I’ll be a kid even when I’m 90.  What’s YOUR profile picture?  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s from a fishing trip I took a while back.**

He wasn’t completely stupid. He knew she was only talking to him because she thought he was Joffrey, just as he knew that the only reason things were so easy with her was because he was hiding behind a pretty face.  He couldn’t complain, though, since it all worked so well. 

It worked a little TOO well.

> <Lady218> We should meet  
>  **< KingJoff > Should we?  
>  **<Lady218> You don’t want to?

He wanted to, yes, but also... not really. Because this wasn’t about him, this was about Joff and what he was supposed to be setting up for him.  With her.  And he _knew_ what he was supposed to say next, had done this dozens of times before, but... he couldn’t just ask to come over to her place, knowing what would happen, what they would do.  He couldn’t.  He _couldn’t._   

> **< KingJoff > Wanna do coffee or something?**  
>  <Lady218> Coffee sounds perfect!  
>  **< KingJoff > You free tomorrow? Say 6?  We could meet at Grounds Hero.**  
>  <Lady218> Yes!  I’ll be there.  
>  <Lady218>  I’m really excited about finally meeting you, Joffrey :-)  
>  **< KingJoff > Yeah **  
>  **< KingJoff > Me too**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wee little baby chapter :-)

“Are you sure she knows what this is about?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

They were sitting in the shadows outside Grounds Hero and Joffrey kept peeking over at him, still doubtful.

“I don’t understand why you have to be here.”

“I told you, I accidentally left my phone at home. I’ll point her out when she gets here and then I’ll scram, alright?”

“Yeah, alright. Just... why couldn’t you find out what she was gonna wear?”

“I forgot to ask. And I left my phone at home, so...”

It was only half true. He hadn’t really forgotten to ask, he just _hadn’t_ asked.  And he hadn’t accidentally left his phone at home, he’d done it intentionally.  Alright, it wasn’t even a little true.  But damn it, this was it- his only chance to see her.  Joffrey was going to get to take her out, to talk to her, to fuck her, probably, so it was only fair that Sandor be the first one to see her. 

Of course, they hadn’t actually talked about the fucking part. And a date at a coffee shop at 6pm was not exactly the kind of thing that automatically lead to a romp in bed (which was why he had picked it in the first place) but sex was definitely what Joffrey expected.  Sandor had little doubt the boy would get what he wanted.  He always did.

He was just about to ask what time it was when she arrived, heels tapping lightly on the sidewalk as she made her way to the coffee shop, brighter than even in his imagination.

“She’s here. Two o’clock, blue shirt, flower skirt.” 

“Fuck, man. You outdid yourself with this one.”

“I know.”

“What’s her name again?”

“Sansa.”

“Right.”

And off he went, striding confidently towards the radiant young woman who was already turning heads. She practically lit up when she saw him, took two steps towards him, arms going wide like she wanted a hug. 

What Joffrey said to her right then he had no way of knowing but it could not have been good, because her warm smile faltered and fell, replaced by a tight one as her arms dropped slowly back down to her sides. Joff hugged her anyway.  And then the two of them wandered inside, the boy’s hand at the small of her back, a beautiful couple that looked like they were damn near _made_ for each other.

He took the long way home, driving down winding country roads as the sun went down and trying not to think about it. Easier said than done, especially since his phone started ringing as soon as he walked in his door, that irritating chirp that meant the boy was calling though he only saw him 30 minutes ago.

“What. The FUCK!” Joff shouted over the roar of wind since he couldn’t be bothered to roll up his windows even though he was on the phone.  Wait, was he in his car already?  Was Sansa with him?

“What’s up?”

“What’s UP?” he shrieked as if the question offended him. “That _girl.”_

“What’d she do?”

“Nothing! That’s the problem!”

“What do you mean?”

“Arr, hold on," Joffrey whined. Sandor waited patiently to the sounds of Joff ordering dinner at a drive-thru window then finally turning his attention back to the conversation. "She wouldn’t sit next to me, for one thing. And she kept asking me about my family and places I’ve been and... and _crap_ , it was all a bunch of _crap_.  Like, this isn’t a date, you lunatic, it’s a hook-up, you hook up during a hook-up, you don’t chit chat about your lives.” 

“So... so, you didn’t...”

“Fuck her? No!  Damn, it’s like she had no intention of it, either, why the hell would you pick that crazy cunt?”

“I thought she’d be down, honest.” That was the truth; he fully believed they’d be naked by now and instead she had... _left?_ “What did you say to her?”

“Nothing I don’t usually say to girls. Actually, I was NICER than I usually am to girls.  Like, right off the bat I told her she was fine as fuck and looked good enough to eat, and I don’t say that to _anyone_.  It was a _compliment_ , but she just stood there looking at me like I had cockroaches on my head.  Then after we got coffee I tried to get the ball rolling, asked her if she was wearing anything under her skirt, and when she said yes- which makes no damn sense, by the way- I told her to show me.  And she got all _mad_ and shit.  Stupid bitch.” 

Oh for fuck’s sake- _these_ were the smooth moves Joffrey employed to unfailingly get women into bed?  Damn it all to seven hells, being handsome solved _everything_. 

“Yeah, ok, sorry man.”

“Don’t worry about it, I know you usually do better. And besides, it wasn’t a complete waste- after she stormed out of there I got to bang the barista in the bathroom.  She was alright- a solid 7, maybe a 6.5, except she was really easy so yeah, I guess a 7.”

Sandor ended the call and tapped a fist against his forehead, trying to get that mental image out; such a spoiled fucking prick.

He hadn’t lied- he really _did_ think she’d be willing even if he _hadn’t_ made things easy for Joff to score.  She liked Joffrey, he _knew_ that.  But then she actually met him- the real Joffrey- and holy crap, she didn’t like him _at all._ So much that she’d actually gotten up and left.  He almost wished he could have been there to see it, almost as much as he wished it never had to happen at all.

Phone in hand and app open, he tried to figure out what it was he wanted to do. Just tell her.  What did it matter now?  Joffrey had already torpedoed the whole damn thing so if she found out that there was a different person behind the name then what was the worst that could happen?

> **< KingJoff > Hey**  
>  <Lady218> Hey   
>  <Lady218> I’m surprised to hear from you.  
>  **< KingJoff > Why’s that?**  
>  <Lady218> You just really didn’t seem very interested.  
>  **< KingJoff > I was.  I am.**  
>  <Lady218> Yeah, I know what you’re interested IN.  You made that much perfectly clear.  
>  **< KingJoff > Sorry. **  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s just different in person.  Sometimes.**  
>  <Lady218> What do you mean?  
>  **< KingJoff > I mean sometimes the people you meet online are not the same people you meet in person**  
>  <Lady218> Not following   
>  **< KingJoff > Sometimes they’re completely different.  2 different people.  
>  **<Lady218> So, like... you’re a different person IRL than you are online?  
>  **< KingJoff > Yeah**

There. He told her.  Game over.

> <Lady218> I get that.  I mean, I feel that way, too- like the person you see on your phone is nothing like the person I really am.  The real me.  I’m not sure which version is better, tbh.  
>  **< KingJoff > I already know which version of me is better.**  
>  <Lady218> The online one  
>  **< KingJoff > For real?**  
>  <Lady218> Yeah.  You didn’t seem yourself today.   
>  **< KingJoff > I knew it would be a mistake.**  
>  <Lady218> What?  
>  **< KingJoff > Meeting**  
>  <Lady218> Look- I was nervous, you were nervous.  It’s ok.   
>  **< KingJoff > It’s not ok**  
>  <Lady218> It’s ok for me if it’s ok for you. 

Sandor rolled his eyes- the way Joffrey treated her was most certainly _not_ ok. 

> **< KingJoff > Should probably never meet again.**  
>  <Lady218> We could still talk, though?  
>  **< KingJoff > If you want**  
>  <Lady218> Do YOU want?  
>  **< KingJoff > Yeah**  
>  <Lady218> I lied, by the way  
>  **< KingJoff > About what?**  
>  <Lady218> When you asked if I was wearing anything under my skirt.  I lied.   
>  **< KingJoff > Why?**  
>  <Lady218> Why’d I lie?  Cause you were acting like a jerk.  
>  **< KingJoff > No, I mean... WHY?**  
>  <Lady218> I don’t know.   
>  <Lady218> I guess I was just excited to meet you.

Fuck. He hadn’t lied to Joffrey, he _hadn’t,_ he really did think she’d be interested.  And it turned out he was right- she _was_ interested, just not in Joffrey.  She wanted him, she liked him, the online version of Joff, the better version of Joff.  It was a compliment, dammit, a sign of something bigger, and he clung to it when he climbed into bed that night, his hand between his legs and his imagination up under her skirt. 

It didn’t work, though. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her smiling up at Joffrey’s pretty face and no amount of pornographic thoughts could ever erase it.


	3. Chapter 3

One week turned into two, weeks became a month and they talked every single day, tapping away at their respective phones long into the night. It seemed like they talked about everything, absolutely anything at all, big things or little ones, happy and sad and everything in between.  

> <Lady218> I’ve never even heard of parkour  
>  **< KingJoff > Google it**  
>  <Lady218> Ok, hold on  
>  <Lady218> Whoa, that’s cool  
>  <Lady218> You can do flips?  
>  **< KingJoff > Not standing. Off of things, sure**  
>  <Lady218> No way  
>  **< KingJoff > I wouldn’t lie. I hate liars.  
>  **<Lady218> So why didn’t you list parkour on your profile?  
>  **< KingJoff > Didn’t seem important**

It felt normal, oddly enough, to just say whatever he was thinking, talk about whatever came up, and he never really thought about Joffrey at all though _she_ probably did.  What else _could_ she be thinking about but the handsome man in the profile picture?  

> <Lady218> So what’s your poison?  
>  **< KingJoff > How do you mean?**  
>  <Lady218> What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?  
>  **< KingJoff > Wine**  
>  <Lady218> White or red?  
>  **< KingJoff > Red**  
>  **< KingJoff > Dark as blood**  
>  **< KingJoff > All a man needs**  
>  <Lady218> Is that so?  
>  **< KingJoff > ALMOST all a man needs**  
>  <Lady218> Lol.  I’ll remember that  
>  **< KingJoff > What do you drink?**  
>  <Lady218> I am a wine drinker myself  
>  **< KingJoff > White or red?**  
>  <Lady218> Red  
>  <Lady218> All a woman needs  
>  **< KingJoff > And that’s all?  
>  **<Lady218> Yep  ;-)  
>  **< KingJoff > Touché**

He knew he should probably tell her the truth, should definitely tell her the truth. He _had_ told her, once, but she misunderstood.  And yeah, he had let her misunderstand, hadn’t bothered to correct her, but he had at least tried and that counted.  How many times did he have to say it?  It was her own fault for not getting it the first time, not his.

Fuck. He should tell her.     

> <Lady218> What are we watching tonight?  
>  **< KingJoff > SportsCenter. You?**  
>  <Lady218> Chopped, but with kids.  
>  **< KingJoff > They’re chopping up kids?**  
>  <Lady218> Omg, NO.  You’ve never seen Chopped?

But every time he got close to bringing it up a voice would tell him she didn’t want to know. She was happy this way, talking to him and thinking he was Joffrey, and if he told her the truth then she wouldn’t be happy anymore.  It was for her own benefit, really, to keep her so deeply in the dark.  

> **< KingJoff > Gross**  
>  <Lady218> Seriously?  
>  **< KingJoff > You know what those are?**  
>  <Lady218> Uh, YEAH, they’re delicious  
>  **< KingJoff > They’re FUNGUS  
>  **<Lady218> Yummy  
>  **< KingJoff > Ick**

Worse was how he would occasionally catch of glimpse of himself in some shiny surface- a window, a mirror, the microwave door- and he’d have this truly hideous smile on his face, scars stretching horrifically. And he would remember that it wasn’t just about protecting her from who he _wasn’t_ but protecting her from who he _was._ God damn he was an ugly son of a bitch.  And rude and coarse and hateful, just the worst asshole this girl had ever met, but at least he spared her his ugly face.  That counted for something, right? 

> **< KingJoff > I don’t know why they have to make these things so fucking tiny**  
>  <Lady218> What things?  
>  **< KingJoff > Phones. Stupid tiny keyboard**  
>  <Lady218> Lol.  I’ve never had a problem.  
>  **< KingJoff > Well, I don’t have tiny little hands like you do**  
>  <Lady218> I wanna see your hands  
>  **< KingJoff > Haven’t you already seen them?**  
>  <Lady218> I didn’t pay any attention  
>  <Lady218> Take a pic?  
>  **< KingJoff > I don’t think so**  
>  <Lady218> Come on, surely you can show me your *hands*

That would be alright, he supposed. It wasn’t like she could tell anything from a picture of his hand; on her miniscule phone screen it probably looked almost normal.  So he snapped a quick picture and sent it on its way.

> <Lady218> It’s a nice hand  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s a big dumb caveman hand  
>  **<Lady218> No, it’s nice  
>  <Lady218> Very masculine

He wasn’t about to ask her to reciprocate- asking for pictures on Tinder was a loaded fucking request and he was not going to be _that_ guy.  She sent him one anyway, a delicate little hand with pale pink nails, and he smiled almost against his will at this new level of intimacy. 

After that she sent him pictures all the time, some of her, some of the places she was, some of the food she was eating. Just lots and lots of pictures.  He appreciated every one, liked being included in her life, but never sent any pictures of his own. 

> **< KingJoff > Five places to visit, anywhere in the world**  
>  <Lady218> ANYWHERE?  
>  **< KingJoff > Anywhere. Money’s no object**  
>  <Lady218> Hawaii, New Zealand, Costa Rica, NYC, and Paris  
>  <Lady218> You?  
>  **< KingJoff > Alaska. Banff.  Faroe Islands.  New Zealand.  Scotland**  
>  <Lady218> We both said New Zealand  
>  **< KingJoff > We did**  
>  <Lady218> I forgot about Scotland.  Put Scotland on my list

He knew she wanted to meet though she never came right out and said it. But she’d drop hints- a movie she wanted to see that none of her friends wanted to go to, a free Saturday but she’d love to go out, a wedding invitation with a ‘plus one’ and she really didn’t want to go alone.  He ignored each and every hint but she never called him on it.   

> <Lady218> We could exchange numbers, you know.  Talk on the phone like normal people.  
>  **< KingJoff > Gotta stay free in case my boss calls**  
>  **< KingJoff > And I can’t give out my landline for security reasons**  
>  <Lady218> Land line?  
>  **< KingJoff > Yeah. And you don’t wanna miss your shows, right?**  
>  <Lady218> LAND LINE?  
>  **< KingJoff > What?**  
>  <Lady218> I didn’t know anybody still had those  
>  **< KingJoff > I got it when I first moved in**  
>  **< KingJoff > Haven’t bothered to cancel it**  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s only $15 a month**  
>  **< KingJoff > every time I think I don’t really need it I start thinking about what would happen if we all lost power**  
>  **< KingJoff > Cause you can do just about anything with your cell phone, but not if it’s dead**  
>  **< KingJoff > And how you gonna charge it if all the power is out?**  
>  **< KingJoff > And THEN what? How do you get in contact with people?**  
>  **< KingJoff > What if someone needs to get ahold of me and my phone is dead?**  
>  **< KingJoff > It could be something serious. And I would never know.**  
>  **< KingJoff > So I just keep the fucking line**  
>  **< KingJoff > Probably should cancel it**  
>  <Lady218> You’re babbling  
>  **< KingJoff > Am I?**  
>  <Lady218> Yes  
>  <Lady218> We don’t have to talk on the phone  
>  <Lady218> No biggie

_It’s for your own good_ he’d tell her repeatedly in his head.  She did not need to know she was talking to an ugly selfish asshole.  Better for her to think he was a nice guy with a nice job and a nice future, a good man with flirty words and gracious manners and a pretty face.   

> <Lady218> Hey  
>  **< KingJoff > Hey**  
>  <Lady218> You remember that promotion I told you about?  The one I was positive I wouldn’t get?  
>  **< KingJoff > Yeah**  
>  <Lady218> I got it!  
>  **< KingJoff > Congratulations!**  
>  <Lady218> Thanks!   
>  <Lady218> I’m flipping out here  
>  <Lady218> So many people applied but I guess they were really impressed with a presentation I did last year and that pushed me ahead.  
>  **< KingJoff > That’s my girl**  
>  <Lady218> Lol  
>  <Lady218> Anyway, I need to call my parents and tell them, I just wanted you to be the first to know  
>  <Lady218> Talk later?  
>  **< KingJoff > Of course**

It felt different, then, warm and intimate in a way he hadn’t known yet. It was more than just anonymous conversations, more than questions and pictures, more than the flirting and innuendo- she wanted him to be the first to know; he wanted to _be_ the first to know.   On _everything._   If it meant to her as much as it meant to him then... fuck, he had to tell her.   

> <Lady218> Hey  
>  **< KingJoff > Hey.  Whatcha up to?**  
>  <Lady218> Not much.  Watching TV, drinking some wine.  You?  
>  **< KingJoff > Same**  
>  **< KingJoff > Have a good day?**  
>  <Lady218> Yeah.  Went to the beach this afternoon to celebrate my promotion.  
>  **< KingJoff > Fun?**  
>  <Lady218> It was.  Except for the sunburn.

A picture popped up to prove her point- slender fingers pulling down her collar and exposing most of a milk-white breast, a strip of garish red across the top. Holy fuck.  That was a _lot_ of skin, just shy of obscene, really, and his imagination (and other things) came springing to life and he had to rearrange himself for _comfort,_ and no other reason.  

> **< KingJoff > Doesn’t look so bad**

The sunburn actually did look bad, but all the rest looked good. _Too_ good.  But then she sent another picture to refute his claim- this one showing a pale hipbone with a splash of flaming skin on either side- and _that_ one looked even better.  He could almost imagine what was just outside the frame and... shit.  He was all in on this now, unzipping his jeans and pushing everything down and sighing at the relief the act created.  It wasn’t much- it didn’t have to be much, at the moment he just needed the teensiest bit of pressure, a hint of friction, and he’d take care of it proper later.  Using his left hand was more difficult but he needed his right hand to text; no way could he let her know what he was doing.  

> <Lady218> I know what you’re doing

Shit.  

> **< KingJoff > Do not**  
>  <Lady218> Do too  
>  **< KingJoff > Would that bother you?**  
>  <Lady218> I suppose not

Huh. She knew.  And... it was almost like she was okay with it, so blasé that he could almost pretend she actually liked it, liked thinking of him and what he was doing and somehow that made it feel even better. 

Not as good as when the next picture came through. The outline of a modest bikini was visible though there was nothing modest about the pose she was in, both arms stretched forward to hold her phone for a selfie of her completely bare torso, nipples dark and rigid in an expanse of smooth pale skin.

Shit fucking hell! It was too much, _way_ too much for right now _-save it for later, save it for later, save it for later-_ and he had to get his brain and eyeballs and fingers working again so he could respond to the text that she sent.  

> <Lady218> Will that help?  
>  **< KingJoff > Ye**  
>  <Lady218> Good   
>  **< KingJoff > What prompted that?**  
>  <Lady218> I don’t know  
>  <Lady218> Happy about my promotion, I guess  
>  <Lady218> And you called me your girl  
>  <Lady218> Also, too much wine.  Don’t get used to it.   
>  **< KingJoff > I won’t**

_I won’t._

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Digging himself deeper and deeper into that hole


	4. Chapter 4

He thought about her a lot, not the pictures but _her_ \- her humor, her teasing, her interests, her life.  All of it.  And yes, damn it, the pictures too, he was human after all and the pictures were hot. 

Things were starting to get out of control even by his own fucked-up standards and there was no way she would be willing to tolerate his distance indefinitely.  He had to tell her, he _knew_ that; one of these days she would reach her limit and force the truth out of him.  Just hopefully it wouldn’t be any day soon.

> <Lady218> Hey  
>  **< KingJoff > Hey  
> **<Lady218> Can I have a picture of you?   
> <Lady218> For my friends?  
>  **< KingJoff > Show them my profile picture  
> **<Lady218> They’ve already seen that one  
>  **< KingJoff > Sorry, that’s all they’re getting  
> **<Lady218> OK, then, can I have a picture NOT for my friends?  
>  **< KingJoff > What do you mean?  
> **<Lady218> I mean you owe me a picture  
>  **< KingJoff > Are you asking me for a dick pic?  
> **<Lady218> You make it sound so crass  
>  **< KingJoff > It IS crass  
> **<Lady218> Fine, it’s crass.  You sharing or what?  
>  **< KingJoff > Why you want one so bad?  
> **<Lady218> I don’t know.   
> <Lady218> Because it’s fair?  
> <Lady218> And I guess because I don’t understand what’s going on here.  You don’t want to see me, don’t want to talk to me.  What are we, pen pals?  
>  **< KingJoff > What’s wrong with being pen pals?  
> **<Lady218> Pretty sure pen pals don’t jerk off to naked pictures of each other  
>  **< KingJoff > Pretty sure pen pals don’t send naked pictures in the first place  
> **<Lady218> That’s exactly my point, asshole    
>  **< KingJoff > Are you mad at me?  
> **<Lady218> Not mad   
> <Lady218> Confused.  Are you interested even a little?  
>  **< KingJoff > Come on. You know I am  
> **<Lady218> I don’t know anything  
>  **< KingJoff > Well I am  
> **<Lady218> Prove it  
>  **< KingJoff > How do you want me to do that?  
> **<Lady218>    
> **< KingJoff > Hardy har  
> ** **< KingJoff > You ever received a dick pic before?  
> **<Lady218> I’m on Tinder so yes, lots of them  
>  **< KingJoff > I’ll bet  
> ** **< KingJoff > I’ve never sent one  
> **<Lady218> Well I’ve never requested one, so we’re both new to this :-)  
>  **< KingJoff > Have you sent pics before?  
> **<Lady218> You know that I have  
>  **< KingJoff > Other than to me  
> **<Lady218> No  
>  **< KingJoff > I’m flattered  
> **<Lady218> Just please don’t use it as your home screen or anything, I think I would die of embarrassment  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s not my home screen, I promise  
> ** **< KingJoff > It’s my lock screen  
> **<Lady218> You’re joking  
>  **< KingJoff > Maybe, maybe not  
> **<Lady218> Fine, as long as you know it’s ME   
> <Lady218> Your turn  
> <Lady218> I’m waiting...  
> <Lady218> Tick tock...  
>  **< KingJoff > Give me a minute, I want to be at my best**  
> <Lady218> LOL

Jeans were unzipped, belt unbuckled, and everything was pushed down with a practiced hand. A minute to prepare; he could do that, especially since he had a little visual stimulation right there on his phone.  Just had to... focus.  Put his mind to it. 

It wasn’t that difficult, really- the idea that maybe she would be using _his_ picture for _her_ stimulation was just enough to get him ready for his close-up, and once he was reasonably pleased with himself he found the best camera angle, fluffed the hair up a bit, wrapped a fist around it just so... and snapped a picture.

“Looking good, Mr. Clegane,” he smirked. But then he remembered what an incredibly, monumentally stupid thing he was doing and that smug satisfaction evaporated. _I’m such a loser._ He hit ‘send’ before he could overthink it.

> **< KingJoff > Satisfied?  
> **<Lady218> Yes  
> <Lady218> And no  
>  **< KingJoff > I know what you’re doing  
> **<Lady218> I’m sure you do.  BRB  
>  **< KingJoff > Whoa, for real?  
> ** **< KingJoff > I was joking!   
> ****< KingJoff > Are you really?   
> ****< KingJoff > Right now?!?!   
> ****< KingJoff > Are you just fucking with me?  
> ** **< KingJoff > Sansa?  
> ** **< KingJoff > You’re killing me  
> ** **< KingJoff > Will you at least take a picture?  
> ** **< KingJoff > SAAAANNNNNSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAA!!!!!!!  
> **<Lady218> OMG, you are so impatient  
>  **< KingJoff > Did you take a picture?  
> **<Lady218> Maybe, maybe not  
>  **< KingJoff > Share?**  
> <Lady218> SO impatient  
> <Lady218> Here you go:

It was better than a picture- it was 5 seconds of video. It was a perfect pale body and a wandering hand that travelled lazily over now-familiar breasts and down the smooth plane of her stomach, elegant fingers that probed and disappeared between slender thighs, and a shuddering breath just loud enough to be heard.  He could still see the outline of sunburn- proof that it was really her and that this was for him, that it had _just_ happened and was probably _still_ happening.  Right now, at this moment, this girl was out there somewhere, naked and wanting him, and that knowledge was more than he could handle.  He watched that hand over and over again till he came, dozens of times, maybe hundreds... alright, FINE, he watched it exactly three times before he came, but she didn’t have to know that. 

> <Lady218> Satisfied?  
>  **< KingJoff > Mostly  
> **<Lady218> I know what you mean, lol.

He squinted at the screen _\- did_ she know what he meant?

> **< KingJoff > Did you come?  
> **<Lady218> Don’t be silly, it was only a few seconds  
> <Lady218> Why?  Did you?  
>  **< KingJoff > Nooooo  
> **<Lady218> :O  
> <Lady218> You DID, didn’t you?  
>  **< KingJoff > I’m pleading the 5th  
> **<Lady218> Wow  
> <Lady218> I’m so proud of myself right now  
>  **< KingJoff > I’m pretty proud of you, too, tbh**  
> <Lady218> LOL  
> <Lady218> You want to meet up some time?

Fuck- she _would_ ask him that now that his defenses were down around his ankles; he didn’t even have the energy to make up an excuse.

> **< KingJoff > How about a double date?  
> **<Lady218> If that makes you more comfortable, sure  
>  **< KingJoff > I’ll set it up and let you know  
> **<Lady218> OK   
> <Lady218> You really do have nice hands, btw  
>  **< KingJoff > You have nice hands too **


	5. Chapter 5

 

> **< KingJoff >  You free Friday night?**  
>  <Succubus69>  Depends on what you propose  
>  **< KingJoff >  Double date with a friend. I’ll be there with my own date**  
>  **< KingJoff >  You’ll be with the other guy**  
>  <Succubus69>  And I fuck him?  
>  **< KingJoff >  No**  
>  <Succubus69>  I fuck you?  
>  **< KingJoff >  Hopefully**  
>  <Succubus69>  I don’t understand  
>  **< KingJoff >  This girl I’ll be with- I don’t want to have sex with her**  
>  **< KingJoff >  I might act like I do, but I don’t**  
>  <Succubus69>  Then why did you ask her out?  
>  **< KingJoff >  She asked me**  
>  **< KingJoff >  And it doesn’t matter, can you just make sure she doesn’t go home with me?**  
>  <Succubus69>  What do you want me to do, throw breadsticks at her?  
>  **< KingJoff > Funny**  
>  **< KingJoff >   Just no matter what happens, I go home with you instead, okay?**  
>  <Succubus69>  Cause... you’d rather fuck me?  
>  **< KingJoff >  Sure**  
>  <Succubus69>  I’m too confused to be flattered  
>  **< KingJoff >  Whatever.  You in or not?**  
>  <Succubus69> I can still order whatever I want? **  
> **< KingJoff > Okay****  
>  <Succubus69> I’m in

Shae was halfway through her second shrimp cocktail, doing very little to hide her own appetite or the way she was assessing him. She looked almost as bored as he pretended to be.

“You’re not so bad, you know. I’ve had worse.”  He gave her the best murderous glare he could muster, one that usually made even the most hardened man shrink away, but Shae only shrugged.  “Just saying.  I’ll bet you’re a babe from the neck down.”

“Wouldn’t you rather have a go at Joffrey?”

“Already had a go at him once. Or twice.  I guess you could call it one and a half times.”  She huffed a leering little laugh, amused by her own joke even if Sandor didn’t really understand her meaning. 

“That good, huh?”

“Good, right,” she agreed though her tone said she did not actually agree. “Let’s just say I’ll be ordering lots of expensive stuff tonight.” 

Sandor shook his head- as entertaining as it was to hear that the boy was a failure in the sack, he would really rather not think about it at all. Shae’d tried to text him about it one time since she thought he was Joffrey, tried to ‘talk dirty’ by launching into a play-by-play of the things they had done together and Sandor had to stop her because... gross.

“You know the plan, right?”

“Not really,” she shrugged, completely uninterested.

“Joffrey doesn’t want to go home with that girl,” he explained confidently as if this really was Joffrey’s idea. “You and I... we make sure she leaves alone, just in case he doesn’t run her off himself.  Which, let’s be honest, he probably will.  So be nice to her, but if it looks like either one of them is making a move, interfere.”  

“And then I go home with him,” she finished outlining the plan then peered over at him, eyes wandering from his neck down in a way that he wasn’t entirely used to. “Too bad.” 

Sandor reached for his wine. He was so monumentally screwed with this double date thing, and not in the good way.  Still, he had to admit this was one of his better ideas- it could be as good a date as Joffrey was willing to make it, then Shae would step in and go home with him so Sansa didn’t have to and no one could ever say he’d been unfair about anything.  He hoped.

Joffrey had thrown an absolute tantrum over the idea since he didn’t like having dinner in the first place and really didn’t want an extra couple there in the second place. Not to mention how Sansa had bailed on him the first go round.  Sandor had to pull out every trick, every counter-attack he could think of, to convince Joffrey this was a good plan, _including_ unwavering reassurances that he would definitely be taking someone home that night.   So now all he had to do was... make sure that someone wasn’t Sansa.

He took another sip... which turned into a gulp when he spied the beaming duo in question heading towards them, Joffrey’s arm around Sansa’s waist. Damn it all to hell, they really did look good together, and when they finally reached the table they just stood there, glowing, the happiest couple in the world. 

Seeing her now, so close and in person, was better than he had thought it would be. Her hair was spun up onto the top of her head in some old-world glamour style that probably had a name but not one that he was familiar with.  And where Shae was wearing some slinky, low-cut blouse that demanded attention, Sansa had on a modest emerald dress that looked like it was soft to the touch.  If all went well... no one would be touching it.

“Joffrey, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” she prompted.

“Oh, sure. This is Sandor, he works for me.  And this is...  Uh....”

“Shae.”

“Yeah, Shae. Sandor and Shae.”

Joffrey quickly took a seat, leaving Sansa standing alone and blinking.

“I’m Sansa,” she smiled after a moment of awkward silence. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

He wasn’t sure what made him do it- too many old movies?- but when she started shrugging out of her coat he sprung to his feet to help her, slipping the woolen garment from her shoulders then pulling out her chair for her.

“Thank you,” she said softly, sitting and giving him a sort of baffled look, but then the waiter was hovering over her and that look was gone.

“Would you care for some wine?”

“Oh, yes, please. What kind is it?”

“It’s a proprietary blend of New Zealand reds.”

“New Zealand, huh?” she echoed, casting a sly glance at her date though the boy didn’t seem to notice.

“Yo, waiter,” Joffrey snapped his fingers then pointed at his empty glass. “Beer me.”

“The usual, sir?”

“Duh.”

Their waiter, Podrick, was a skittish but affable young man; a boy, really, and not in the sarcastic way Sandor referred to Joffrey but an actual too-young-to-be-dealing-with-this-bullshit boy. He was efficient, though.  In the five minutes since Joffrey had arrived he’d topped off their wine carafe, brought Joffrey his beer, and taken their orders.

The men both ordered the special- Joffrey no doubt because it was expensive, and Sandor because he’d forgotten to look at the menu.

Sansa asked for lemon chicken with a house salad to start, dressing on the side. He didn’t know why that was important to him but there he was, hopelessly committing the details to memory like a complete fucking moron. 

Shae ordered her meal _and_ another appetizer though she still hadn’t finished the last one.

“You sharing those mussels?” Sandor sneered. He meant it as sarcastic commentary on Shae’s bottomless pit of a stomach, but the woman surprised him by rolling her eyes and amending her request.

“Make that _two_ orders of mussels. And some lobster bisque.”

Alright. So far, so good-ish.  Best he could tell, _he_ was the only one uncomfortable with the situation, sitting next to this girl that he knew so well, who didn’t know that she knew _him_ so well, who occasionally glanced over at him with thinly-veiled interest and a genuine but tiny smile.  Or maybe that was wishful thinking.  At least she was sitting on his good side, thank god for that.  And for the wine.

To add to his self-imposed misery, Joffrey was damn near charming that night, regaling the table with story after story and only occasionally saying something mildly offensive. Shae did her part by feigning interest, even as she never stopped slipping bits of food into her mouth.  Sansa listened in silence, smiled tightly during most of Joff’s tales, and asked polite questions whenever there was a lull in the chatter.  Which wasn’t very often. 

“So, Shae is it?” she started while Joffrey guzzled his beer. “What kind of work do you do?”

“I work at David’s Bridal.”

“That sounds like fun. Do you like it?”

“Not really.”

Shae resumed her previous activity of staring off into the distance and waiting for more food, but when her bored eyes met Sandor’s angry ones she cleared her throat and tried again.

“I mean, it _can_ be fun- the pretty dresses and the invitations and all that.  But god, those women some times.  Bridezillas, all of them, and stuffy and uppity.  Just cause you have money doesn’t mean you’re a special snowflake, you know what I’m saying?”  Sandor gave her a look even more glowery than the last one but she held her hands out defensively.  “What?!”

“How about you, Sandor?” Sansa asked quietly, eyes sliding over to him and making him feel suddenly ill.

“He works for me,” Joffrey answered for him, dismissing the question with a little wave and a sneer.

 _You said that already,_ Sandor thought sourly.

“You said that already,” Sansa mumbled under her breath, and he couldn’t help but snort at the small show of solidarity, but then she was looking up at him again through narrowed eyes, making him feel even sicker. “Have we met before?”

“No,” he hissed, and reached for his glass.  

“You really like that wine,” Shae commented; Sandor glared at her, contemplating whether anyone would notice if he stabbed her with his fork.

Fortunately, Podrick arrived at just that moment bearing their salads, the bisque and the mussels, cheerfully depositing their plates and topping off their drinks. Shae immediately dug into her bisque but not before claiming one of the bowls of mussels as her own.

“Would you like to try the wine, Joffrey,” Sansa asked, but the question just hung there unacknowledged since Joffrey wasn’t paying any attention. Instead he had his eyes focused on the hostess unnecessarily refilling the untouched water glasses, leaning across the table so that her ass was wiggling in his face.

“The service here is _very_ remarkable,” he murmured at the woman’s backside.

“We aim to please,” she purred, looking over her shoulder at him.

Sansa seemed put out by that little exchange but didn’t comment, and as soon as the hostess was gone Joffrey picked up the thread of his story like nothing inappropriate had just happened. Damn, he wished the boy would shut up long enough to let someone else speak; didn’t he ever get tired of his own voice?

The wine was a bad idea but Sandor kept drinking it anyway. He was starting to feel a bit... what was the word for only a little drunk?  Tipsy, yeah.  He was getting tipsy.  By rule this was not a state he usually stayed in cause if he wanted to get drunk he would get _very_ drunk.  ‘Very drunk’ would definitely be worse, but ‘tipsy’ wasn’t doing him any favors, either.  He couldn’t stop _looking_ at her- the curve of her neck, the slope of her nose, the way her lashes would occasionally flutter, how she’d press her lips together after every dainty sip of wine, or how she kept stealing little peeks in his direction.  And try as he might, he couldn’t stop his imagination from reminding him of what was beneath the high neckline of that soft green dress.

“It’s too fucking hot in here,” he grumbled, tugging inelegantly at the collar of the shirt this place insisted he wear, but when he peeked over at Sansa again she was eying him in blatant curiosity. She didn’t really seem bothered by his comment or his language or his actions, but it definitely looked like _something_ was going on in her head.  Fuck.  He turned his attention back to the boy and hoped she’d follow suit.  And really, why wouldn’t she? 

The out-and-out worst thing about Joffrey was that he really did seem like a good catch- rich and successful, good-looking in an annoying, prancing, pretty-boy kind of way, and as long as he mostly behaved himself he was kinda easy to be around. Shae certainly seemed taken with him. 

So did the hostess.

“More water?” she offered and reached the pitcher towards Shae’s glass. This time when she leaned over the boy she kept her body turned towards him, cleavage at eye level and impossible to ignore.  Not that Joffrey was trying to ignore it; wasn’t even _pretending_ to try to ignore it.  When the woman sauntered away his eyes trailed after her, wheels noticeably turning in his head as he worked out his options. 

“I’ll be right back,” he announced to no one in particular then wandered off in the direction of the kitchen.

Absolutely nobody at the table was so stupid they didn’t know exactly what was going on. Shae didn’t seem particularly bothered by it, taking Joff’s absence as an opportunity to eat his share of the appetizer.  Sansa, on the other hand... even though everything was starting to look a little fuzzy he could still tell that she was stunned, hands folded in her lap and food untouched.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, fine,” she answered unconvincingly, looking up at him with those bright blue eyes like they were old pals and lingering there longer than necessary though he was surely imagining that. “Look, I hate to do this to you guys, but... I think I’m just gonna grab an Uber and head home.”

“You’re not eating?” Shae muttered around a mouthful of crostini.

“No. I can’t.  I... I don’t understand how he can be so _different.”_

“Well... sometimes the people we meet in real life are not the people we meet online,” he told her, then winced at his own idiotic words. Too much wine, damn him.  He took another large swallow of the wicked stuff then set the glass down a little too firmly, the thing clanking loudly against her plate and would have fallen over if he hadn’t fumbled quickly to catch it.  When he glanced up at her again she was white as a ghost.

“Tell Joffrey I wasn’t feeling well,” she whispered, almost inaudible, then slipped from her seat and grabbed her coat, leaving without waiting for a response.

Well, Joffrey had done even worse than last time- scarcely twenty minutes had passed since they’d arrived and already she was leaving. And that was... good.  So why was he so inexplicably disappointed by her exit?  It would have been worse- much much worse- if she had stayed but watching her go...  damn.  Something had gone wrong in some way he hadn’t anticipated, some way his drunken brain couldn’t figure out, he _knew_ that.

Shae must have known it too, cause when he finally wrenched his eyes from Sansa’s retreat he saw his supposed date regarding him with those same bored-but-appraising eyes.

“You done fucked up.”

“What do you mean?”

She waved her tiny fork at him. “I don’t know what the hell is going on here but it doesn’t take a genius to see that somehow, someway, you have _definitely_ fucked up.  You gonna eat those mussels?”

“No, go ahead.”

“We’re still having dinner, right?”

“You can. I’ll wait.”

It was a solid fifteen minutes before they saw Joffrey again, long enough for their food to arrive and for Shae to finish two of the three lobster tails she had ordered and all of the filet. She left her rice pilaf untouched, apparently not wanting to fill up on inexpensive carbs; smart girl. 

“Where’s Sandra?” the boy asked when he appeared, not bothering to take a seat.

“Sansa.”

“Sansa, yeah. Where is she?  The bathroom?”

“No, she wasn’t feeling well,” Sandor answered then shot a pointed look at Shae who- to her credit- immediately set her fork down with not one trace of annoyance. The woman fully understood the nature of this transaction and didn’t hesitate at all when Joffrey offered his arm and lead her from the restaurant.  Never mind that he had just fucked the hostess.  A pretty face and a pocket full of cash and all the women just lined right up.

_Not all of them._

“Would you like to see the dessert menu, sir?”

“What makes you think I want to see the fucking dessert menu?”

“Cause... you’re still here, sir?”

 _Touché._  “I’m leaving.  Joffrey settle the bill?”

“He did, sir. He has an account here, sir.”

“Would you knock off the ‘sir’ bullshit?”

“Yes, absolutely, I will, sir,” Podrick nodded briskly but when he realized what he’d said his eyes widened... “sorry, sir”...then closed completely. “Fuck.”

Maybe it was the wine that made him feel so suddenly guilty for his gruff demeanor. Or maybe it was the double date he’d just survived.  Either way, he didn’t really feel like tormenting this kid anymore, not when he clearly got tormented on a regular basis by the assholes that frequented this place.  By way of apology, he pulled out his wallet and peeled away a $100, holding it up to the bashful boy between two fingers.  Someone should have a good night out of this; someone _other_ than Joffrey.

“Oh, thank you, sir! I mean... just thank you...” the waiter enthused, eyebrows going impossibly high as he took the bill and slipped it into his pocket.  And then he stood there, peering down at his customer, red-faced and tight-lipped and bug-eyed, and just when it looked like his head would explode he finally blurted “...sir.”

_Whatever._

He was too drunk to drive, even he knew that, so he followed Sansa’s lead and summoned an Uber. _Sansa. Lady Sansa._   Well, that was it.  It was over for sure now.  And really it was probably the best way it _could_ have ended, with her going her own way and leaving Joffrey in the dust.  The alternative was for her to actually fall for that spoiled little prick so really, it was better this way. 

But.

He missed her. He never even really had her but already he missed her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, y'all, it's a trainwrecky ride
> 
> Thanks SWK for the guidance and Happy B-DAY!

The way she left the restaurant he assumed she never wanted to hear from him again. From _Joff_ again.  Still, he couldn’t shake this tiny little hope that she missed him, that she could get over the horrible behavior and just... no, that was so unfair.  He didn’t even _want_ her to forgive Joffrey’s actions that night, if she did he’d worry about her sanity.

And yet he still found himself hoping she’d try.

She deleted her profile picture. He noticed that right away, as soon as he got home from that damnable date and had some water and sobered up a bit.  No picture on a Tinder account was like the kiss of death since no one was going to ‘swipe right’ unless they knew what they were getting into.  But if she didn’t want anyone to contact her then why didn’t she just close her account?  He told himself it was because she was hoping to hear from him; he told himself it was because she didn’t know _how_ to close her account.

By Monday he realized he’d completely lost his taste for the chore, suddenly not finding much success in setting up any dates on Joffrey’s behalf. This girl he was talking to tonight- GildedRose from Highgarden- was a tougher nut to crack than he was used to.  Or maybe he just wasn’t really into it.  Either way he was already planning on bidding her good night when a message came through from Sansa, and he sat up so fast he kicked the coffee table.   

> <Lady218> Hey  
>  **< KingJoff> Hey**  
>  <Lady218> Got a minute?  
>  **< KingJoff> Of course**  
>  <Lady218> Show me your face

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.    

> **< KingJoff> You’ve seen it**  
>  <Lady218> Give me a picture of your face  
>  **< KingJoff> You have one.**  
>  <Lady218> Stop it.  Show me your face  
>  <Lady218> It doesn’t match, does it?  
>  <Lady218> Are YOU Joffrey or is HE Joffrey?  
>  <Lady218> You can at least tell me your name  
>  **< KingJoff> I already told you my name.**  
>  <Lady218> TELL ME YOUR NAME!!!  
>  **< KingJoff> Sandor Clegane**  
>  <Lady218> Does Joffrey know you’re using his identity, Sandor Clegane?  
>  **< KingJoff> It was his idea**  
>  <Lady218> WHAT?!?!  
>  <Lady218> Back up- what?  
>  <Lady218> Like... what?!?!  
>  **< KingJoff> You’ve met him- he’s a complete tool. He likes women but has no interest in talking to them, so he makes me find him dates**  
>  <Lady218> You do this all the time?!?!  
>  **< KingJoff> Yes**  
>  **< KingJoff> I mean no, not like THIS**  
>  **< KingJoff> I never really talk to them, I just set them up. I don’t know why I even started talking to YOU**  
>  <Lady218> So you meet girls on his behalf?  And then he takes over?  
>  **< KingJoff> Basically, yeah**  
>  <Lady218> Do I really need to say how GROSS and unfair that is  
>  **< KingJoff> Most girls don’t mind**  
>  <Lady218> Oh god  
>  <Lady218> Have you been talking to other girls while you’ve been talking to me?  
>  **< KingJoff> It’s my job**  
>  <Lady218> This is all about a PAYCHECK?  
>  **< KingJoff> No**  
>  **< KingJoff> I mean yes. And no.**  
>  <Lady218> Oh my god  
>  <Lady218> I KNEW something was off, I KNEW it, I just couldn’t figure out what.   
>  <Lady218> But we’d already met, so you HAD to be who you said you were  
>  <Lady218> Such a liar  
>  <Lady218> I’ll bet you’re laughing your ass off right now  
>  **< KingJoff> I’m not. I wouldn’t.**  
>  <Lady218> Did you show him those pictures?  
>  **< KingJoff> No way.**  
>  <Lady218> Why not?  
>  **< KingJoff> You wanted me to?**  
>  <Lady218> OF COURSE I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO!!!  
>  <Lady218> Idiot  
>  <Lady218> You JUST SAID this was all for his benefit so why would I think you didn’t show him my pictures?  
>  **< KingJoff > Because they’re mine**  
>  <Lady218> Will you delete them?  
>  **< KingJoff > I will if you want me to.**  
>  <Lady218> I want you to  
>  ****< KingJoff> Then I will****  
>  <Lady218> Why should I believe that?  
>  **< KingJoff> It’s the truth whether you believe it or not**  
>  <Lady218> Oh, NOW you’re telling the truth?  
>  <Lady218> Do you understand how completely messed up this is?  I’ve been so open and you’ve been lying to me, right from the beginning.   
>  <Lady218> What happened to hating liars, huh?  
>  <Lady218> Guess that was a lie, too  
>  <Lady218> Are there any OTHER lies you’ve told me?  
>  **< KingJoff> That one’s not bad enough?**  
>  <Lady218> DEFINITELY bad enough.   
>  <Lady218> But I’d still appreciate it if you’d answer the question.  
>  **< KingJoff> The profile is his.**  
>  **< KingJoff> And that’s it, I swear**  
>  <Lady218> All our conversations?  Were you pretending to be him or was that really you?  
>  **< KingJoff> If I was pretending to be Joff you would know it.**  
>  **< KingJoff> Wouldn’t you?**  
>  <Lady218> How could I possibly know the answer to that question?  
>  <Lady218> Oh my god.  
>  <Lady218> I’m so confused and offended right now.  
>  <Lady218> Were you seriously just going to hand me over to him?  
>  <Lady218> Let me go HOME with him?  
>  **< KingJoff> I thought it was what you wanted**  
>  <Lady218> Oh, this is MY fault?  
>  **< KingJoff> I didn’t say that**  
>  <Lady218> Didn’t you?  
>  **< KingJoff> Do you think I set up that horrible double date so that I could let you go home with him?**  
>  <Lady218> It’s part of your JOB, isn’t it?   
>  **< KingJoff> Yeah, but that’s why Shae was there.**  
>  <Lady218> Well, what if Shae wasn’t interested?  What if Shae didn’t show up?  What if your little backup plan just didn’t work?  
>  **< KingJoff> I would have broken his legs before I let him walk out of there with you**  
>  <Lady218> You’d let it get to broken legs before you just told me the truth?  
>  <Lady218> I don’t understand!  
>  <Lady218> Why couldn’t you just TELL me instead of PLAYING with me?  
>  <Lady218> I had this mental picture of what it would be like and it was all a lie.  
>  **< KingJoff> Yeah, I know exactly what mental picture you had**  
>  <Lady218> What does that mean?  
>  **< KingJoff> You’ve seen me.  This face isn’t in ANYBODY’S mental picture**  
>  <Lady218> It won’t if you keep pretending to be someone else  
>  **< KingJoff> Don’t play dumb.  Girls want a pretty face like Joff’s, not one like mine.**  
>  <Lady218> I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just call me dumb.  You’re welcome.  
>  <Lady218> You are SO WRONG if you think a pretty face is all girls are interested in  
>  **< KingJoff> In my LIFETIME of experience that is absolutely all they’re interested in**  
>  <Lady218> Well FUCK YOU VERY MUCH, ASSHOLE  
>  <Lady218> Don’t tell me what I’m interested in as if you know  
>  <Lady218> I didn’t pick him, he picked me.   
>  <Lady218> Actually, I have no idea who picked me  
>  **< KingJoff> I did**  
>  <Lady218> Why?  
>  <Lady218> Did you even read my profile, or did you just like my picture?  
>  <Lady218> Cause if you are seriously sitting there pouting about people judging you for your looks but then ALSO judging people for their looks then you can just fuck right off  
>  <Lady218> Lying, sneaky, hypocritical asshole  
>  **< KingJoff> It was your picture, yes**  
>  **< KingJoff> But then we started talking and it was different**  
>  <Lady218> Well, it was different for me too  
>  <Lady218> Cause I never even looked at that picture till after we started talking  
>  <Lady218> Do you have your own Tinder account?  
>  **< KingJoff> Hahahaha. NO. **  
>  **< KingJoff> I don’t exactly make a good first impression**  
>  <Lady218> You could pretend to be someone else.  You’re good at that.  
>  **< KingJoff> I don’t make a good SECOND impression either so what’s the point?**  
>  <Lady218> You never know  
>  **< KingJoff> Trust me, I KNOW**  
>  <Lady218> So you never even try?  
>  **< KingJoff> Why bother?**  
>  <Lady218> Because you might meet someone  
>  **< KingJoff> I never ever meet anyone**  
>  <Lady218> Thanks a lot  
>  **< KingJoff> Give me a break. The only reason I got this far is because you thought it was him.**  
>  <Lady218> That’s not fair  
>  **< KingJoff > It’s true, though. He looks good online, usually they can’t wait to get a piece of that pretty boy and his pretty life.  YOU wanted him**  
>  <Lady218> Don’t do that.   
>  <Lady218> I’m not going to let you make me feel bad when I haven’t done anything to you.  I’ve been nice to you and you know it.  I gave everything you’d let me give.  
>  **< KingJoff> You gave it to him**  
>  <Lady218> You know full well I gave NOTHING to him  
>  **< KingJoff> It was his face you were thinking of, though, wasn’t it?**  
>  <Lady218> You have a lot of nerve  
>  <Lady218> Tell me a bunch of lies then get mad because I fell for it.  
>  <Lady218> I haven’t done anything to you.  Where do you get off being mad at ME?  
>  <Lady218> Don’t you dare tell me I fell for a face when YOU were only doing your job.   
>  **< KingJoff> It was more than a job**  
>  **< KingJoff> Surely you know**  
>  <Lady218> I don’t know anything  
>  <Lady218> Obviously  
>  **< KingJoff> I’m an asshole**  
>  <Lady218> No kidding  
>  **< KingJoff> No, really. A huge asshole.  Worst you’ve ever met**  
>  <Lady218> Way to talk yourself up  
>  **< KingJoff> Just being honest**  
>  <Lady218> So big with the honesty all of a sudden  
>  **< KingJoff> Come on, we’ve met.  You KNOW I’m an asshole, you KNOW I have issues.  Don’t you remember?**  
>  <Lady218> You seemed alright to me  
>  <Lady218> Except for the lying, sneaky, underhanded part  
>  <Lady218> Or was all of it pretend?  
>  **< ingJoff > I never pretended anything, not really**  
>  <Lady218> Asshole  
>  **< KingJoff> How did you figure it out?**  
>  <Lady218>    
>  <Lady218> You said something about people being completely different in real life vs online  
>  <Lady218> You’ve said that before  
>  <Lady218> And the wine  
>  <Lady218> And your hands  
>  <Lady218> It just sort of clicked   
>  <Lady218> Why he felt like a stranger   
>  <Lady218> And why you didn’t  
>  **< KingJoff> I didn’t?**  
>  <Lady218> Not really   
>  <Lady218> It felt like I knew you, I didn’t know why  
>  <Lady218> I really did like talking to you  
>  <Lady218> And the absolute worst fucked-up part of it is that I still DO like talking to you  
>  **< KingJoff> Sansa**  
>  <Lady218> What  
>  **< KingJoff> I’m sorry. Really.**  
>  <Lady218> You should have told me  
>  **< KingJoff> I tried  
>  **<Lady218> You didn’t try hard enough  
>  **< KingJoff> Why would I? As soon as I told you it would all be over**

_Like it is right now._

She didn’t respond. He didn’t really expect her to but still hoped she would.  He stalked around his apartment, bathroom, hallway, kitchen, bedroom, checked for messages again and again... still nothing.  He looked for a snack, checked for messages.  Cleaned the microwave, checked for messages.  Took a shower, checked for messages.  Deleted her pictures, checked for messages. Still nothing, only the crushing, colossal disappointment in being right.

Dammit, what a night to be out of wine; he opened and closed his cabinet doors repeatedly over the course of the evening but still no wine appeared. No reason he couldn’t go get some, especially since he wasn’t doing anything but pouting, and he grabbed his keys and wallet and headed out the door.

For a moment he thought he’d gone legitimately insane, seeing her there in person standing in the hallway outside his apartment. He must have shook his head a hundred times trying to clear the false image from his brain but every time he focused his eyes again she was still there, looking as lost as he felt.  She was taller than he remembered and somehow brighter, even in jeans and sneakers and a plain blue hoodie, hair pushed back with a simple headband. 

“You’re the only person I know with a land line,” she explained, almost defensively.

And still all he could do was stare at her, slack-jawed and stupid and no doubt looking like the fool he’d already proven himself to be because... she was there, at his apartment. She knew the truth and she was there.

“I’m still mad at you,” she told him firmly, eyes narrowed so he’d know she meant it, and he nodded his agreement so quickly, so completely, he thought his head would wobble right off his shoulders.    

A door opened somewhere at the end of the hallway and she jumped at the noise, peering nervously in that direction; she didn’t relax until the door closed again, plunging them into the same awkward silence as before.

“I’m Sansa,” she said after a moment, squaring her shoulders and offering him her hand; he took it on instinct.

“Sandor.”

Looking down to where they were joined, slender fingers frighteningly delicate and cold from the weather tucked inside his monstrous hand... they looked absurd together, really, like a hairy beast ruthlessly devouring a helpless maid. Surely she saw it that way too, but when he glanced back up she was smiling. Damn, where had all his smooth Tinder moves gone now that he really needed them? What did he do now?  What did he say? 

“Do you... wanna go get some coffee or something?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I do.”


End file.
